The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
