what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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