The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
