Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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