Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
