How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I want a musical about memes.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
