so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
