The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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