It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
