I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
