Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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