You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
try to milk me bitch
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
