I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
