An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
