Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
did i just pee glitter
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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