yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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