hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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