Only a mothe r could love this liver
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
