just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
40s are totally the cure
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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