I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
