Cold hands, warm shart.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
