Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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