The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
