Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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