I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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