It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
