When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
