I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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