my phone needs a breathalizer
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
