Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
