forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
