It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
