Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
