I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize