Someone shit on the floor
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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