I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
