Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
