I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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