Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
