loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
