I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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