Cold hands, warm shart.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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