My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
