I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
