Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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