My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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