I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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