i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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