Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
