Your tits are I can't wait for
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
