If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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