I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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