my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
