got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize