In the future we'll all be gay
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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