I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
