he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize