I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
