i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
