Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
