We won't sleep together?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
God I need to hump something, right now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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