I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
