Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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