I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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