dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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